The Honorary Third Wheel

B ut the next day, I did get to go on a date…

With Angela and her “blind date”, as the honorary third wheel.

Before I go into detail about the date, I should tell you a little bit about Angela. Angela’s my good friend from university. Charming, witty, funny, direct, cute as a button and has a smile that lights up the room. I could take her anywhere and grandmas and grandpas, aunties and uncles, basically the general population from the previous generation would fall in love with her instantly. A princess at heart. But without the fussiness. Clear headed on the things that matter, and quite muddy headed on the things that don’t. Not the most organized and diligent student, but efficient and effective at cramming. She always did better than me on last minute cramming sessions, especially if it involved math. We’d spent many nights studying together, painting nails, talking about boys, sharing diet tips, I’d tell her how to be sexy, and she’d tell me how to be classy, and I’d crash on her couch and she’d make me overcooked instant noodles in the morning.

After graduation, much to my disappointment, she moved back to China immediately for, well…love. (Don’t you just hate it when men steal your favourite girlfriends from you?!) I’ve known her for many years now and seen the boyfriends come and go, all of which were seriously considered for marriage. I really thought she’d be married by now.  I had twice planned to come back to Tianjin for her wedding as the maid of honour and twice the plan fell through. She is turning 30 this year. Thirty is an awkward age for a single woman in Tianjin (even though it’s the third largest city in China, after Shanghai and Beijing, people are still somewhat conservative here), where most girls have serious boyfriends at 23 and get married at around 25. At 30, you really are considered, kind of… left over.

Angela’s mom is determined to find her a husband, this year. She’s fully retired but completely at work with this matchmaking business for my dear friend. For a woman, in the eyes of the Chinese at least, happiness for the latter part of her life is largely attributable to the man she chooses to marry. Choosing the right man, is almost more important than choosing the right career. I have heard a famous Chinese actor say, and he’s well known for being a great husband, “If you want a woman to be more beautiful, give her more bliss.” A beautiful woman is a happy woman. A happy woman is happy because she’s in a blissful marriage. Auntie Sun is such a woman.

Auntie Sun, when you first look at her, you don’t immediately think she’s a wife, or she’s a mother, you’d think she’s a woman, first and foremost. Years of child rearing, of duty and responsibility haven’t left a trace of bitterness or hardship on her face. All you see is beauty and grace and peace. Like life has been a smooth flowing river, and she a boat, letting the gentle current carry her, running its course.

Now that she’s recently retired, her days are even fuller than when she was working. When she’s not busy scheduling men for Angela to meet as potential husbands, she’s taking photography lessons, getting facials at the Spa, or going to badminton practices. One week she’s in Vietnam and the next she’s ready to check out Bali, perfectly happy to pick up her bags and head on out on her own. Smooth as silk in all kinds of social situations. She’s someone who gets happiness. Who won’t stress herself out over nothings, or belabor over duty, or force her daughter into doing things against Angela’s will. She’s a caring and thoughtful mother with the enthusiasm for life as a twenty year old girl. And she has impeccable taste: she likes my panda eyes.

Auntie Sun used to work as a flight attendant, back when it was a glamorous profession reserved for only the young and beautiful and privileged. She later on married the captain of the flight crew, before he became big and successful. It’s the classic fairy tale of a woman from a distinguished family, who marries a man from the village for nothing but love. The man later on becomes successful, and they live happily ever after. It really worked out that way in their case. You see, like dreams, fairy tales sometimes do live in reality.

Auntie Sun is trying to replicate this success formula with Angela’s man-hunting mission.

And I get to go on these matchmaking dates with her.

The first boy I meet is the son of one of Angela’s customers. Angela has a good job working at Chinese bank managing money for rich people. A couple of her premier clients really liked her and introduced their son to Angela, which makes logical sense, “Hey we trust you with our money, why wouldn’t we trust you with our son?”

The boy is 28, good looking, educated, has a stable job and comes from a rich family. Check, check, check and check. On paper he’s perfect. But when it comes to chemistry…not so much. They went to watch a movie while I got my nails done, and then we all went for dinner together.

Nice nails, eh? Even butterflies can't keep away.

Anyways, back to the point.

Being the observant third wheel, it’s clear as day that Angela’s not into him. But I didn’t exactly understand why, until later, when she explained things to me, “He’s two years younger than me. Some of the things he does or says still make me feel like he’s immature.” A lot of girls prefer guys who are older. If not older, then at least more mature. We don’t go through dramatic events on a regular basis from which to judge a guy’s character, but we need to make a decision nonetheless, and quickly. So we watch for the details. Love is in the details.

One time, Angela, her date, and I went to Beijing on a day trip. A friend I’d met in Toronto was acting as our tour guide and showing us around town. When we came out of a popular tourist spot, empty cabs were few and far in between, since it was also a long weekend. While all of us were standing in the middle of the street in the heat and wind trying to flag down a cab, Angela’s date went to sit at the curb to rest. She later told me that was very impolite of him. “It’s your friend from Toronto, who’s doing us a favor showing us around. He’s not even his friend. How could he just sit like a spoiled brat and wait to be served a cab?”

You see, a lot of women, no matter how independent, or mature, or accomplished, deep down, they really just want to be taken care of. It is very easy to tell quite early on, whether the guy is up for the job.

And he wasn’t, so the search continues.

The Tipping Point

Oftentimes we need a catalyst to initiate change.

Grandma’s 90th birthday was exactly that, the life-saving straw to pull me out of this life stuck in second gear. The decision to take 3 months off work was a gradual process, kind of like the way Canada gained its independence. I didn’t just wake up one day and rushed into my boss’ office to tell her I wanted a 3 month vacation. We probably all secretly wish for it, but when it comes to time for action, need a logical reason, a sound excuse, to pursue dreams that seem to give us no tangible benefits other than pure pleasure, as if the pursuit of happiness isn’t good enough of a reason.

Of course, I am acutely aware, especially with constant reminders from grandma and my loving Chinese parents, that another major contributor to happiness is - love. And I need to find that too.

My love life has been more or less, a blank one for the past few years. That is not to say, I haven’t been trying to meet people. The dating scene in Vancouver offers quite a bit of multicultural diversity. If you wanted to date an Indian, or Korean, or Chinese, or European in Vancouver, it is as easy as going to any of the above listed restaurants. And with this diversity comes quite a wide range of interpretations of what it means to be a gentleman. If it is still cool to be a gentleman. (Some believe chivalry is dead, and act like it is.) And equally importantly, what do the men want? Do they want the Asian face but none of the Asian values and habits that come with the face? I’ve been struggling with this fusion (or perhaps more accurately, confusion) of identity. Do I want an Asian boyfriend or a non-Asian one? Just exactly how Chinese am I? Sometimes I feel like I connect with the locals better, other times I feel like there’s a big part of me, the Chinese part of me, that they can’t understand and don’t care to know. What do I want and what can I realistically expect from the dating scene here? How much of it is cultural and how much of it is individual? Is the reason I haven’t had much luck because I’ve been looking for oranges among a pile of apples?

Maybe I’ll find some oranges in China…

For the past few years, grandma’s been not-so-subtly hinting that she would like to have everyone come back to China for her 90^th birthday. In Chinese culture, obeying your parents, grandparents, and respecting your elders is number one in the rules of proper moral conduct. So my dad and I from Canada, uncle from Japan, and cousin from the US, we all book our flights to go back to Tianjin, China, to celebrate this important day with her.

I am lucky in the sense that I work in the consulting business, where it’s possible to even take a year of unpaid leave-of-absence if you ever felt like you needed to volunteer in Africa. The firm will simply not staff you onto new projects. So I book one month off in my work calendar, notifying my HR rep and career counselor. But when it came time to booking flights, I thought about all the places I wanted to see in China, which would take at least 2 months to cover. Why not book the return flight two months out, and ask for an extension once I’m in China? If the firm insists on having me back, I could change the date, or quit.

And then, almost as an afterthought: since I’m already in China, why not go to Bali, live by the beach and experiment with my dream for a month? Could living my dream, however temporary it may be, be this close to reality? Great idea! I give myself a pat on the back and change return date from June 10^th to July 10^th - three whole months of freedom. I click confirm, and the flights are booked. I sit back into my chair, and relished for a moment, the sweetness of having to decide between Window or Aisle?

This was how I gained my independence, a gradual process.

Listen to Grandmothers - They're Usually Wise

“You’re 26 years old, you should get a boyfriend,” grandma bossed me over the phone.

“Yes grandma…maybe you could hook me up?” I joked.

“Would you come back if I found you a good Chinese boy?” grandma asked in all seriousness.

“If we really like each other. Yes, I would,” I said in all seriousness back.

“Ok, I’ll ask the neighbors,” grandma concluded decisively.

Grandma and I are very close. Dad calls her every weekend. They talk about health, family, work. And I tell her about my boy troubles. Grandma always lends a patient ear for the boy in question, and the issues at hand. Sometimes she’d tell me to give him the benefit of the doubt. Other times she’d say it’s downright unacceptable. And that night was no different. Another evening of friendly exchange on modern dating dilemmas, and tried and true, century-old advice on love. You know – girl talk.

Just because grandma’s one of the “girls”, doesn’t mean our lifestyles in any way resemble one another’s. Grandma lives in China, and I live in Canada. She’s 89. I’m 26. Her day might consist of watering the plants in the morning, followed by a light lunch taken leisurely with aunt and uncle. Nap in the warm afternoon sun, and then watch Chinese Opera while sipping at a cup of fragrant jasmine tea. Meanwhile, I bounce out of bed at exactly 7:15, after slamming the snooze button for the nth time, slip into something professional-looking, and spend the day trying to management consult our clients on how their businesses can be efficiently maximized, with every single risk carefully calculated and resources fully optimized. At the end of the day, grandma looks as radiant as a youthful yogi, and I come home looking haggard like an old lady.

Which doesn’t help, especially if you’re single and looking…and aging rapidly…

Chinese people often say when you have an elder in the family over the age of 90; you pretty much have a live Buddha living at home. What this means is, the accumulated wisdom and goodness from this one person, will bask the entire family in glory.

I didn’t believe it…

And thought it was just something nice people like to say when they visited grandma..

Until a fleck of that blessing fell upon me. Like fairy gold dust.

 

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A few months later, I am in China.

Sitting in a quaint little café, sipping green tea, watching colorful people walk by.

I open my little brown notebook, and scribble down plans for the exciting upcoming 3 months - two months of traveling across China, and the last month, go to Bali, live by the beach, and experiment with my dream.

I chuckle quietly to myself, and wonder if this whole thing would have happened if it weren’t for grandma. How I would still be stuck in my cubicle, in my crisp white collar shirt and charcoal pencil skirt, frantically trying to find myself in the corporate world, wondering when I finally reach the top, if happiness is waiting for me there…

Yes, it is happiness, or the lack thereof, that brings me to the beginning of this story…